Unless you have been living under a rock, at the bottom of a cave, inside a mountain in Antarctica, you probably have noticed that society has become more divisive. Chances are, everyone has now experienced this in a relationship over the past few years. Wouldn’t it be great if there were tools to help defuse this situation?
If you are technically inclined like me, then you might think the solution is to discuss facts surrounding the issue at hand. I find this can work if I am talking to someone who is open to considering facts related to the matter and keeping emotions relatively at bay. Often these conversations provide me valuable insight and perspective that broadened my understanding.
The fact-based approach doesn’t work so well when the issue at question is belief or emotion based. In that case, different approaches are needed. Let’s look at one.
Dr. Peter Boghossian, an American philosopher and pedagogist[i], formerly a professor at Portland State University, wrote the book How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide. As the name implies, this book explores approaches for turning those seemingly impossible conversations into manageable, and hopefully, constructive conversations.
Key elements proposed by Dr. Boghossian for holding these conversations are:
Listen closely. Make sure you understand the other person’s view. Place burden of understanding on yourself. Once you understand, say, “I hear you.”
Never criticize an idea until you understand what it is. Apply Rapoports Rules:
You should attempt to re-express the other person’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that he/she says, "Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way."
You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
You should mention anything you have learned from the answers you receive.
Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.
Focus on a question not a topic. Ask, “How did you come to know that?”
Use scales. Ask, “On a scale of 1 – 10, how confident are you that your view is correct?” This determines if any doubt exists.
Once scale ranking is established, ask a disconfirmation question, such as,
“How could that belief be wrong?” Or “What evidence would cause you to change your mind?”
Instead of saying, “But…”, when the other person answers, say “yes, and.”
Build Golden Bridges that congratulate people for changing their mind. Say, “I used to believe that too. But the more I learned, I realized....”
Don’t apologize in the name of reason unless you are actually sorry. Don’t apologize if someone says that you’ve offended them simply because you offended their views.
Always speak sincerely and honestly. Clearly state what you mean.
And most of all, be willing to revise your beliefs. Admit if you learned something you didn’t know.
Dr. Boghossian clearly describes these elements for conducting The Impossible Conversation, embellishing each further, in this 37-minute talk.
I found Dr. Boghossian’s insights and recommendations valuable, recognizing I had at times used some of these methods, but not all. His talk left me wondering though, “What if I am the one with the fixed idea, rooted in emotion or belief? What can I do to recognize, explore, and rectify that?”
I decided to use his advice on myself, querying the strength of a couple of my own beliefs and what I would need to hear or learn that would create doubt in my mind. It was an interesting exercise that helped temper my view on those issues.
It should be noted that the approach he describes is intended to be used in face-to-face conversations. It would not be effective in written communications, primarily due to inability to view body language. Capturing emotional nuance in writing is difficult and easy to misinterpret. This particularly applies to social media platforms, and the results of that difficulty can be easily observed on places such as Twitter and Facebook.
Toward the end of this talk, Dr. Boghossian addresses the social justice movement, which has become a predominant theme on many American campuses. His now-controversial views on this issue ultimately resulted in him leaving Portland State University in September 2021.
If you think you can’t successfully have that Impossible Conversation, then I suggest watching this short Ted Talk, Why I, as a black man, attend KKK rallies, by musician Daryl Davis. So inspirational! If this man can do what he has done, we all can have that difficult conversation.
I wish I was better at engaging in The Impossible Conversation. I know from experience that such conversations take a lot of practice, control, tolerance, and compassion. I was left wondering how society would be different if we all learned these techniques early in life.
It is distressing to see one’s society become increasingly divisive. It is possible though that this apparent fracturing underlies a desire to come together, much like the friction between a father and his coming-of-age son who love each other, but neither can admit it. Coming together is frightening, because it requires letting go of beliefs and opinions that allow us to feel unique. The process Dr. Boghossian provides, while perhaps not perfect, provides a tool for chipping away at that. The alternative is to slip as a society, into the patterns of prior Fourth Turning events, creating situations that the world would do best to avoid.
I know of people whose view of the world was forever changed by living in a culture that they previously looked down upon or mistrusted, only to realize that the ‘inferior ones’ are actually as human as they, and with the same hopes and challenges. Afterward, in the back of their mind, there was implanted a thread of doubt regarding their opinions of others.
This greater perspective is one of the most important learnings I gained during the times when I have lived in Asia. It became clear in those experiences that my initial views were incomplete. I learned that a rush to judgement is seldom, if ever, the best path. In many ways, our society today represents a clash of different cultures. In fact, many call our current divisiveness a Culture War.
“Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye?”
- Jesus (Luke 6:41)
[i] Pedagogy, most commonly understood as the approach to teaching, is the theory and practice of learning, and how this process influences, and is influenced by, the social, political and psychological development of learners.
For a work diversity assignment I had to watch a film with individuals paired up from the opposite sides of three issues; 1) gun control, 2) abortion and 3) immigration. The individuals had been coached well on how to have respectful, challenging, and emotional conversations. It was incredible to me that after each side took the time to truly listen, both sides wanted to work together to find common ground. The only pair that did not was the immigration because one individual refused to listen and kept interrupting. The impact of listening was powerful and definitely a skill I need to improve!